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²³ Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. ²⁴ For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. ²⁵ For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?


<sup>i've probably read these verses a hundred times (no, not really, i'm just trying to illustrate the depth of my delusion) and each time, like most times when i read scripture, i just glazed over the words quickly. since, you know, i've read them a hundred times. i was late for church this morning. thanks in no small part to myself, of course, because i just couldn't get into the habit of resting early on saturday nights. i got up and lied down again as i waited for the water heater to heat up the water. so that's how i was late (it's the same story for the work week). anyway, as i was waiting for the bus, luke 9:23 came to my mind. incidentally, sep 23rd is the date my bro and his wife got married. i can't remember if they chose the date because of the scripture verse. 

and guess what was the message at church?

something 'bad' happened on monday. it's school. i think i'm going to fail a module for the first time in these 4 years. it's like history repeating itself. i never really recovered from that low point so many years back. i used to be quite good at my studies. then something happened (it should be because something happened, but i still don't know what that something was) and i just never got back to my former glory. fast forward to now, after having returned to God, i thought such things won't happen again. i did once forget to hand in an assignment... but this time it's really going to dent my records. i was angry with God. just so typical of a childish coward that's me. i was really mad that with or without him i seemed to be set up for failures. 

i've moved on from that for now, surprisingly quickly, might i say. i'd like to get really depressed... i am right now, to be honest, because it's exam season and i'm again face to face with the same fears. each year for 4 years, it's been the same. i've prayed for him to reveal to me what it was that brought me down. just like i've prayed some same prayers many times over. (at this point, there's a whole bunch of other things to say.. i don't know where to slot in what i really planned to talk about when i started this post). anyway, i did continue to talk with God, after an initial avoidance period. i was brutally honest with him, letting my mouth fly, lashing untruths at him. i demanded that he come down and talk to me. i just felt i needed to see and touch him so that i could finally be more faithful, so that all these shit would stop. 

he did. not once but three times, or more. knowing myself, i'd forget again in a matter of hours, minutes, seconds. even now, today, after coming back from church with the revelation fresh in my head, i'm still not victorious, not even after finally understanding what it means to deny myself and to abide in him. my prayer today was that he help me to remember what happened. 

i didn't forget. but why's it that i'm still in the same place again? i'm afraid i'm going to stop praying and then i'd backslide again. i can't and i don't want to if i can help it. i just wish he would make me vanish. this is no way to live.</sup>