h2o

surprise

the deployment results were announced by the boss today. 3 months have passed since. it's really scary when you look back and recollect what have (or rather, have not) transpired. anyway, i was caught off guard when i was asked if i'd go with the change of portfolio (i didn't choose analytics in the end, btw). it took a while for me to understand that i was successful in my application. well, sorta. i did  also apply to stay put in the current post.  there were 3 contenders for the post. all eligible officers were given 3 choices. i didn't exercise the 3rd choice for a few reasons.

my application for the change was frankly half-hearted. i owed the idea to my supervisor, actually. i think she also applied to be deployed to that section but the boss decided that she should remain in her current post. no, it's not that i wished to follow where she's going (although our working relationship has been quite fine). i felt awkward as i told her about my decision to move. i think she didn't expect this outcome. nor did i.    

am i excited about it? i wish i can tell you "yes!". the truth is, i'm wondering if i'm enjoying self-sabotage too much. i just selected the modules for the next semester last night. i'd usually limit myself to 2 modules. i was tempted to pick one only. but i went for 2 in the end. there're people who do 4 modules per semester. they're abnormal. wait. i'm the abnormal one. oh i don't know anymore. i feel very small i just wanna disappear. why am i such a chicken?

tikam

all photos from etsy

although i always say i'm not vain enuf, when it comes to travelling, i take pains to pack clothes that match in various combos. the last 'cold' place i visited was Lhasa, Tibet. it was june but there were spots where we actually experienced light snow. i don't remember if i'd tried matching my clothes before i packed them into my suitcases. i think i might've overpacked a bit. yes, that's being very vain. lol. i think i coordinated my clothes around the shoes, which were mainly this pair of beige mary-janes that i felt should serve me well in rugged country. as i've mentioned a few times, i was never a mary-janes wearer, so i've pretty much neglected the shoes until the trip. so i'd intended to ditch the shoes after the trip. but then i figured that the shoes were still holding well so perhaps i should save them another such trip. if possible, i'd like to go to  Inner Mongolia one day. but i doubt the shoes can wait till that one day, if that one day is, like, ten years from now? oh wait, by then can my lungs and bones take the stress of high country? i read that older people could take the higher altitude as they require lower oxygen intake but i don't think it's the case with the folks who went on the same  Tibet trip with us. my ma was still having headaches towards the end of the trip, when we should've gotten used to the atmosphere. many fell ill not long after they returned home. for myself, i did  have headaches for the first coupla days. the most unforgettable experience was when i was momentarily short of breath in 青海 and the altitude wasn't even as high as that in 拉萨. i'd clean forgotten the instruction to take slower steps. it was actually quite scary then. i really thought i was going to die then.  

oops, i got distracted there. i have a picture of the shoes somewhere. they're actually quite ugly.  or they're just ugly on my feet only; you know, like how some sport shoes make your feet look plain ugly. those boots above are up for consideration or elimination for the upcoming trip. i have a mountain of BLACK clothes i can wear for cold weather. then there's grey, of course. the only pop of colour is orange:  a lone turtleneck naf naf top that i bought more than a year ago and which is never worn. i refuse to wear black with brown, so i'm heading for self-destruction if i were to pack clothes to go with black boots + clothes to go with brown boots.

i always say i'm not vain enuf. sheesh. such a liar, i am. 

so. how, ah? which two pairs? i know i'm asking for trouble with the black "rocker chick" boots. i heard there'll be lots of walking in that city. i'm quite set on the  brown anne klein riding boots (last pair), which i'll wear with the grey clothes. or maybe i should scrap the two pairs of black boots and go for those that're shin-length? oh gosh. i haven't even moved on to the bags. at this rate i'm going, will i be packing at least three bags??  

i am such a big fat liar, lah.

get the game on

quite an eventful day today, and a meaningful one at that.

i'm in that place again, where the disquiet is deafening. i don't usually want to write like that but i really do feel this way. it's totally unlike the pregnant silence of Jesus before Pilate. but maybe the analogy is suitable? i'm the one who gets to decide her own destiny and that's really the decision each one of us has to make as Jesus stands right there before us. we put Him on the Cross anyway. He was going to do the Father's will anyway.

now that i've received the Gift, what happens next? it cannot just end there. i realised i've been looking at His sacrifice in the wrong light. it's certainly not in vain, for whoever believes on Him will surely receive His salvation. what matters now is whether i'm going to live my time here in vain. do i want to stay on that ledge forever when i know what awaits at the top of the mountain? what's stopping me? the fear of pain, a sis-in-Christ suggests. it WILL be painful, i am assured. i know, i respond. perhaps that's really the reason i'm in that same place. she gives another analogy via board games. i can't really recall the details now. it's about getting into the game that we're put here for. what strikes me with such power is:

"i can even shout hallelujah when i slide down (snakes & ladders) because i know God's there to catch me, that He'll be there with me."

i'm not in that place of utter and complete rest yet.  

+++++++

sneaked these photos in the washroom :P

i really don't like how inconsistent my perm looks.

^the *scarf*

^my fave oxfords from tibet circa 2006

almost every item has been repeated. the bag's dug up from the store room. dunno who owned it before i claimed it as my property. it's a substitute for the elusive suitcase i'd always wanted. but such bags are so difficult to use. how do men use them? i guess they're for people who don't take public transport? i added the strap from another bag, else i can't imagine how i can possibly use it. for those guys who wear laptop bags and travel on buses or trains, some seem to be oblivious to how the bags always knock me. hard. i also don't appreciate it when people wear their backpacks on their backs instead of taking them down when the bus or train's crowded. and i haven't even started on those who don't wash their haversacks. i dunno if their fart would smell better..

ok, i went off the tangent again. that's it for now. cheers.