surprise

the deployment results were announced by the boss today. 3 months have passed since. it's really scary when you look back and recollect what have (or rather, have not) transpired. anyway, i was caught off guard when i was asked if i'd go with the change of portfolio (i didn't choose analytics in the end, btw). it took a while for me to understand that i was successful in my application. well, sorta. i did  also apply to stay put in the current post.  there were 3 contenders for the post. all eligible officers were given 3 choices. i didn't exercise the 3rd choice for a few reasons.

my application for the change was frankly half-hearted. i owed the idea to my supervisor, actually. i think she also applied to be deployed to that section but the boss decided that she should remain in her current post. no, it's not that i wished to follow where she's going (although our working relationship has been quite fine). i felt awkward as i told her about my decision to move. i think she didn't expect this outcome. nor did i.    

am i excited about it? i wish i can tell you "yes!". the truth is, i'm wondering if i'm enjoying self-sabotage too much. i just selected the modules for the next semester last night. i'd usually limit myself to 2 modules. i was tempted to pick one only. but i went for 2 in the end. there're people who do 4 modules per semester. they're abnormal. wait. i'm the abnormal one. oh i don't know anymore. i feel very small i just wanna disappear. why am i such a chicken?